Part 1. The life of misery.. and the journey into the uknown
When I was 24, I was chasing things like everyone else,
without real understanding of what I wanted and why. More so, I had no idea who I was. My relationships have failed over and over again, my study was a struggle and my career was at a zero level as I kept chasing one thing after another. Yes, I was an ambitious young girl who knew I had to have it all and would do everything to achieve success. I was graduating from a fashion school without any background in the industry and almost hating it every single day more and more talking myself into the successful future of a great career I was about to begin. I was one of the first students to land a job in the industry and also one of the first to quickly realise that it wasn’t any close to what I expected and the need to leave. But I was like a blind cat, walking in my own darkness meeting the darkness of others in the same misery we shared and took the illusion as real life without any idea what life is. In fact, I was degrading in my delusional story of success and I was extremely bored and constantly unhappy with my life. I did not know what happiness was, I was simply waking up with a headache every day, pouring unlimited amounts of coffee into myself just to get through another day, working on another creative project staying late hours with a glass of wine just to cope through stress, feeling exhausted again the next day, had increasing body pains, working and studying full time, I had no rest and no gap to search inside myself on why things didn’t work. This is a life of any modern kind human being caught up in the matrix. It is sad. But no one talks about it. Everyone pretends to be fine and is in constant search how to dull the stress with pleasure or alcohol and other suppressants. We are so conditioned that being busy is normal and a constant chase to fulfil our desires is not just another human insanity but the way of life. We are so used to want to be someone or something we actually never had a deep thought into and feeling guilty for every free moment we had just to be…. without the urge to fill it with something. It is the life we are used to, it is the society we are conditioned into and it is what we expose our children to. I felt nothing was wrong yet nothing felt right either. There was this sense of separation inside me, I didn’t feel like I lived ‘my’ life, I felt as if it was somebody else’s and I constantly had to fulfil ‘her’ wishes. I think then, when I started realising something didn’t feel natural, I began the search… I began meditation and yoga again from time to time speaking to spiritual teachers, reading many psychological books and attending various workshops and did my first meditation retreat called Vipassana. There I had a first glimpse of how miserable my state of being was… Yet I looped back into it.
And then around 2 years ago, magic happened to me as I was sitting in the small restaurant in the city having red wine and a big piece of steak with my then boyfriend and now a fiancé and a light warrior in our upcoming medicine journey. As we sipped on the wine, his friend rang and invited us to this strange ceremony with a shaman from South America at a very unattractive price. We both hesitated as the idea of doing something completely unknown at that price wasn’t pleasant but the fact that we both felt pretty miserable all the time made a decision to be an easier positive. And so we were off to Byron Bay the next day on our first official medicine journey and it was the most unexpected road to take full of unusual things to happen after which I will explain in my next post. All faithfully yours. Ivy x
Below our first pre ceremony photo before commencing our first ceremony with a plant teacher Ayahuasca. xx A’ho